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04 November 2013, The Missing Link

There is a constant ache in my heart, I wake up everyday and its like something is missing, itís always there, itís always present, that emptiness, that void. Itís her, itís always her.

She has left a hole in my heart, she is that link that completes us as a family, thats what she is, the missing link in our chain.

I live a life of wanting, of needing, of sheer anguish at the reality that she is gone and she will not be arriving any day now. I live with the reality that she was taken away from me so cruelly and unfairly. To say I miss her, is so much less than what it is I feel. I have a deep longing to hold her and sing her to sleep. I have a deep longing to look into her unseen eyes. I wish I was given a little more time, I wonder if it would have been more or less painful if she wasnít born sleeping. I guess it doesnít matter because pain, is pain.

She has left a hole in my heart, she is that link that completes us as a family, thats what she is, the missing link in our chain.

I long to speak her name out loud everyday to say Zia, hello my sweet baby, how Iíve missed you. I long to hear her cry and whine and gurgle. I long for the unheard laugh and the untouched palms. This is a painful road I walk on everyday, a painful journey indeed.

She has left a hole in my heart, she is that link that completes us as a family, thats what she is, the missing link in our chain.

31 October 2013, Thinking of You

I love you Zia, I will love you always forever and ever. I miss you so much and I wish you were with me, I know that will never change, I will cope with life without you but it will never be ok, I will never be ok that youíre gone and I will miss you till the end of my days.

26 October 2013, This is Life

As time goes by, certain things about our time together fades and as the normalcy of life commences, its hard to even place myself back to where I was three months ago, when you were so alive and well and growing rapidly everyday.

Its hard to even think about that time , only shreds of it exists in my memory. I recall the clothes I wore during that time, the conversations we had, though fewer than I wish I had, I remember that I waited anxiously for our monthly meetings, when I could see you again and heart your strong and steady heartbeat, how it filled the room Zia, how it made me catch my breath, how I prayed to God and thanked him for my very strong and healthy little girl.

It took us a while to see that you were a girl, I remember that Brady cried and dad was comforting him saying he too wanted a girl, they warmed up to you being a girl quickly after that, Brady started painting you a little wooden house and even though we were still not sure you were a girl until the day you arrived, I know it was all meant to be, you were meant to be.

Yet I sit here, three months without you and I wonder why you were ever given to me in the first place, why I grew to love you as much as I do when you were never mine to keep. Some people, for lack of words have told me that God will give me more, I have heard that so often itís become so natural to nod and say nothing. The truth is I just want you, you cannot be replaced, Brady just wants you, dad just wants you, we love you and living without you is painful, its unbearable at times.

Is this what the purpose of life is, to love and lose and move along? Oh it feels that way sometimes, it feels like that is what people want from me, they want me to travel along and forget you. That will never happen, I was born I realise with a purpose, to mother both you and Brady, its what I will always be. I will always be your mother and you my daughter even though we are not together in this lifetime.

24 October 2014, How I miss you

Does it get easier, does it get more bearable? To these questions I have no answers. I have heard that it does, even from mothers in my situation but I canít seem to accept that, I canít seem to see too far into the future, a future which now excludes my daughter. I walk through life in much the same way I always have but there is a constant pain now which makes me catch my breath sometimes, a pain that even in happy times, which there are because I am a mother to my living son too, is there, the pain that is hard to explain, constant and incurable. I miss my baby girl. I hate watching tv, hate social media, everywhere I look someone is celebrating having a baby, has had one who is happily growing and living and breathing. That should have been me, she wasnít sick, she wasnít sick at all, she was healthy, she was active, she was so alive, but she died, she was taken, she was stolen, she is gone. Itís been 14 weeks and 2 days since she I met her and since I said goodbye, but it feels like yesterday. My Zia, my Light, how I love you.

15 October 2013, Right now

So much time has gone by, its only been three months but still it feels like forever. Its like I move further away from you everyday. If you were here, you would have so much of my time but now even to think of you is all I can do in one day. I feel thats its unfair, that there should be a specific time that I have to think about you and write about you and just do nothing unless it relates to you.

I miss you and the more I say that, the more cliche it sounds, how is it that you are a part of who I am, my daughter, but you are so far away and so out of reach. I donít want to forget your face and your tiny hands and feet but the image has become so fragile, its like if I take one incorrect step, it will be gone from me like you are. I donít want to move on or forward but I have to because I have to live for your dad and brother.

My therapist says that I need to think of you in your angel form, that you are indeed all around me the way I tell Brady you are but that is hard Zia because I know you are gone. I believe in heaven and in hell and I know that you are in heaven but believing in heaven means I need to continue believing in God who I am very angry with at this point. I want you back and even though I know that will never happen I still want it. I want Zia, I want a do over of the last three months. Losing a child is a horrible thing, its scary and its cruel and its about the worst thing that can happen to someone, I didnt ever think I would find myself in such a situation, but here I am. A mother to one living and one sleeping child.

I hate having to tell people ďmy daughter passed awayĒ, I hate those words but I keep saying it over and over again. My therapist prefers that I say ďIíll get back to you on that oneĒ when someone asks me how you are. For me that is so insane, I cant say that,  want to say my baby was stolen from me, that she is gone, that she isnt ever coming home again. what else is insane is her expecting me to go into the girls section of the store and have conversations with you. The truth is you will NEVER wear those things and nothing I ever do will change that. It doesnt matter how much therapy I have, the truth is that you are gone from me.

7 October 2013, Princess of Light

Her name was Zia Sarai, Princess of Light, strange that I would name her something that is so divine, unearthly almost. strange that since she left, there is a deep darkness which threathens to consume me. My Light, why did you have to leave me? was I not worthy of you, your divinity, your purity? It feels that way sometimes.


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